Tonight marks the start of Yom Kippur, considered the holiest day in the Jewish calendar. It is the Day of Atonement, the day that G-d is supposed to determine what your fate is for the coming year. It’s the day we are to atone for all our sins of the past year.
So, I can’t help but ask, so what exactly did I do so wrong in the previous year, that I had breast cancer this year? And what is my destiny for this coming year as I wait for my BRCA status that determines my next steps. Have I not endured enough this year? You would think that breast cancer and 6 chemo’s would be enough in the atonement department, that I should get a free pass for this coming year.
Getting cancer and going through chemo does make you question everything, especially at this time of year for me as a Jewish person. Why did this happen? and what is the divine plan for the coming year? I keep trying to tell myself that there is a greater reason as to why this has happened to me, and I guess I will be trying to find out what that is.
Why did this happen? Will I ever feel “safe” again? Will I ever stop worrying that it will come back? I am told by other survivors that those are questions I will be asking myself for the rest of my life. I still have a year of treatment, in fact I had Herceptin #4 of 18 this morning!
I worry about my girls. Carly is already convinced she will be getting breast cancer when she gets older. After all, first my Mom, then me! So it’s hard for her and Hailey. I understand. My response is that because of that, they will be monitored very closely, and if G-d forbid, they follow my path, then it will also be caught early, like mine was. What else can I say? It’s a difficult thing for a 17 & 15 year old to process. Heck…it’s a difficult thing for a 52 year old to process 😦
So G-d if you’re reading this, I like to think, and I’m told I’m a good person, a good Mom, a good wife, I try and do good things,, and will continue to do better this coming year. I really need a break, please let this be a good year for me and my family.
Shana Tova, G’Mar Chatimah Tova