Wow…I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last posted. Seems so much has happened, and at the same time, nothing has happened. I know…doesn’t make a lot of sense…kind of how I feel about the time since I had chemo last.
Throughout all this, I have often found myself questioning why? and of course, there is no answer. So I try and find a reason, the silver lining, whatever you want to call it. Sometimes, I think I get glimmers of it, but other times, I just question everything. I’m guessing that’s “normal” haha! I’m not sure what normal is anymore either.
On the bright side, there have been some shining moments that have overshadowed some of the really really crappy days I’ve had, so I thought I will concentrate on those right now.
On the day of chemo, a few really nice things happened. It was great to spend the day with Deanne, although we both agreed that lunch with a glass of wine celebrating would be a lot more fun than spending the day at the hospital! At chemo we were sitting beside a woman who was having her first treatment, and was on the same treatment plan as me. It was really nice to be able to “share” my experience with her, and answer so many questions that her and her husband had. I remembered how scared I was that very first time, and it was nice to be able to pay it forward and make someone else “feel better” with what was going on with them. We will be on the same 3 week rotation, so I hope to see her again on the 23rd and see how she’s doing.
Getting chemo is no big deal, literally they hook you up, even easier now that I have the port, and let the drugs flow. You don’t feel anything. Although I have to have my fingers and toes in ice as Doxetaxol can harm the nails, and the ice inhibits the flow of the chemicals to the cuticles. I was lucky to have Manny as my nurse again, and he gave me pink gloves to wear!!
After chemo, Deanne and I went for a leisurely lunch at Swiss Chalet, much to our surprise, when we went to pay the bill, the waitress smiled and said, it had been taken care of. Both of us looked at each other with a really puzzled look, and she said one of the customer wanted to pay it forward. We have no idea who it was, but if you’re out there….Thank-you!! So very special!
The next week is kind of a blurr….Doxitaxol is a really strong drug that knocks the stuffing out of you. It’s a combination between being hit by a mack truck and getting the energy completely sucked out of you to the point where getting off the couch is a real effort. Not one who is used to not being able to do anything, I kept trying, only to get knocked down again. I went to work for a few hours each day, but went home completely exhausted. Unfortunately, the effects of chemo where winning over my desire to try and have my life.
The only relief I actually got was not from all the drugs prescribed by the Doctors, but from a “special cookie” a friend gave to me. Please don’t judge me for doing this, but not only did it take all the pain away, it put me in a state of feeling wonderful, and that my friends is priceless! So I will be ready for the next round of chemo with more of these “special cookies”! I’m doing what I need to do to get through something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy in the world.
Two weeks after my next chemo are the High Holidays. The start of the Jewish New Year. I can’t remember if I told you that this year instead of doing a formal sit down dinner that I usually do on the second night, I decided to do a lunch instead. It will be easier on me, and right now, it’s all about as easy as possible! Why am I doing this you ask….well…it’s all part of having some normalcy back in my life for my family and myself. The holidays are so important to us, and the significance of finishing chemo before the New Year celebration is not lost on us. So I posted something on one of the groups on Facebook that I’m in, asking for easy recipes etc. And the most wonderful thing happened, people I don’t even know offered to help make stuff for me….!!!! Can you believe it…I was beyond floored. The silver lining shining through once again.
That’s about it for now…I’m tired again….going for a nap….I take a lot of them!
Don’t you apologize for doing what you have to do to continue without as much pain as possible!!!!!! Just do it!! Hugs
Randy, nobody has a right to judge you or your “special” cookies. Do what you need to do to feel better! You are strong and a fighter.
Eat those cookies til you laugh yourself silly – noone is judging you Randy!!! Thanks for the wonderful blog!