There are so many thought rolling through my head right now, that it’s hard to sleep. (jet lag also plays a roll in this). This might be a long post 🙂
I have been going over the past 4 weeks in my head. A lot has gone on. Making the decision to get the portocath, getting the port, having the reaction to the tape, throwing my shoulder out, getting chemo #4, feeling like a mack truck hit me, getting my family ready to go to Israel, seeing them all leave without me. All these were very difficult not just physically, but very much so emotionally. Then being able to go to Israel wiped out every negative thing that had happened.
I realized that a lot of this battle is emotional, and how I deal with it. I’m not taking away from the physical part, because the effects of chemo are real, and they are not fun at all. At times I feel like a walking pharmacy with all the drugs I take to deal with the side effects. I know I’ve been very lucky not to have too many of the bad side effects, and I know I still have 2 more chemo’s to go, then radiation (still not sure how many) and Herception injections every 3 weeks for about the next year. My journey is far from over.
As I said being in Israel wiped out all the negatives that happened. It is a very healing and spiritual place for me. Although I didn’t get to go to Jerusalem on this visit, my family and friends did. The Old City is known to the Jewish people (along with many other religions) as the holiest place on earth. The is a custom in Judaism to pray at the Western Wall, and leave notes in the crevices of the wall. When you go there, you will see the wall covered with papers of prayers to G-d. Richard said when he went there he was overwhelmed with emotions, not being there with me, praying for me, and of course leaving a note in the wall for me and our family. My brother also went to the Western Wall to leave notes of prayers, and I know this was overwhelming for him as well. The other parents also left notes and included me in their prayers. My girls did as well. Even now as I share this, the emotions are very over powering me. I realize how many people my journey have affected. I am the one physically going through it, but so many others are going it this with my emotionally.
Most of our time was spent in Tel Aviv staying at my cousins. It was relaxing and great to connect again with them, In past visits with them, it was only a dinner here or there. This time, I had 2 days with Dov and Rachel to myself before Hailey and Richard joined us, and I got to spend some special time with them.
We also spent a lot of time with Wayne (my brother). I am so happy that I had this time with Wayne, and that we shared some special moments. Having him take the time from his busy schedule to make sure I went to Israel will always hold a special place in my heart. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Febuary, Wayne called me and told me not to worry about getting to Israel, he would make sure I did, and he would be there with me. It was great to have him with us to share this happy time in my life, and especially when Carly won Bronze. I’m sure it’s a time he will always remember as well for many reasons.
We spent a very special Shabbat weekend with friends Nili & Arnie at their Bed in Breakfast in Yavne’el in the northern part of Israel. Our friends moved to Israel about 2 years ago. They have a wonderful place and I highly recommend it! They are close to so many places for day trips, and you’ll be hard pressed to find 2 people more wonderfully caring, friendly and hospitable as Nili & Arnie. For my family and I, the calmness of being with them was exactly what I needed, and it was there that I truly relaxed. We also spent a day with going to Rosh Pina and Safet, and while there, Nili and I found a necklace that embraced it all for me with a very special prayer in Hebrew. The translation means, “Lord, Heal this woman”. I haven’t taken it off since I bought it, and I tend to hold the part with the prayer in it a lot.
There are so many special moments through this journey.
Yesterday, I was back at the hospital, and my blood work was perfect. My Doctor actually remarked how I great I looked, and she never would have guessed I was going into chemo #5! I’m pretty sure she sees a lot of people, so that was really encouraging to hear.
In a few hours, my friend Deanne is picking me up and taking me to Chemo. Whatever this round brings, I know I will be able to handle it. It might not be fun, as I’m told chemo #5 is a tough one. However, after what I went through with #4, that seems hard to fathom. But as I said, a lot of #4 was also emotional. Hopefully the physical part of #5 can be dealt with with drugs (as I said I am a walking pharmacy!)
I have learned through this is that I can’t fight the cancer or the physical part of what is happening. That is the Doctors job. What I can do, and try to always remember is I that I can for me emotionally, and try to keep as positive as possible for me and my family. I can pull from the strength, prayers, and positive messages that so many of you have sent me. I depend on them during my bad days, and remember that bad days are followed by good days. So please keep them coming <<<big hug>> .
As my friend Kathy keeps reminding me, there always will be sunshine, and to take this one day at a time, because that’s what I CAN control. And not to read everything on the internet!!
The good thing about getting #5, is that #6 is next and that’s my last chemo!!! And then I get to ring the bell!! So bring on #5 and let’s get this over with.
Once again, thanks for taking the time to care, it means more than I can possibly put into words.